Narcissistic, Hypochondriacal Me

Me,
I ride and swim and hike and jog a lot.
I do deep breathing,
My nasal passages to unclog, a lot.
When I'm at parties,
I like to talk about the smog a lot.
Narcissistic, hypochondriacal
Me
I was wondering—would you like to see my scar?
I'll bet it's the biggest
One that you have ever seen, by far.
That's my appendix
That I've got over there in that jar.
Narcissistic, hypochondriacal
Me.
And have you ever seen my medicine chest?
I do believe
That it's the most completely stocked in the West.
I'm well prepared
If I get nauseous or my lungs congest,
Or if my organic,
Unprocessed, natural health-food fails to digest.
Me,
I like to keep in shape 'cause, you never can tell,
An epidemic
Or a plague could send us all to hell—
Except for me,
I'm in condition.  Don't I look swell?
Narcissistic, hypochondriacal
Me. (Would you please close that window?)
            I take megavitamins,
            I laugh as much as I can,
            I lift weights and do yoga.
            Did you notice my tan?
They really ought to write a book about
Narcissistic, hypochondriacal
Me.

...Ray Sherman

I'm shy.
I've read Zimbardo's book (see footnote),
But I'm still shy.
I've had assertiveness training,
And I'm shy.
What do you do with a guy
Who's shy?

I'm passive.
I've been in therapy for years,
But I'm still passive.
I watch the Dodgers beat the Yankees,
And I'm passive.
My confusion is massive,
Still I'm passive.

I'm never aggressive.
It wouldn't be nice
To be aggressive.
Nobody likes a person
Who's aggressive.
I hope I'm not being obsessive,
But I'm not aggressive—

I'm shy.
People can be very considerate
When you're shy.
They can be quite accommodating and non-demanding
When one is shy.

I think it's rather sly
Being shy.

...Ray Sherman

—————————————
     Philip G. Zimbardo, Shyness (New York: Jove/HBJ, 1978)

It was romantic, no less, if
They said, "The strong, silent type."
Now it's "passive-aggressive."
A pox on your psycho-hype.

...Ray Sherman

I have unconditional positive regard
For the person you were meant to be,
But the person you are I can't stand.

Underneath that hard veneer
Of pretense, I'm sure
There's an angel just ready to land.

But until you synthesize your polarities
And let your little light shine,
I'm going to avoid those bad vibrations;
Your projections are yours, not mine.

I have unconditional positive regard
For the person you were meant to be—
I think your unactualized potential just grand,
But the person you are,...well,
    ...I'd really rather not talk about it.

...Ray Sherman

My name is Truly Needy,
But I'm not poor, or like that;
I'm just not getting my needs met,
And I guess you could say I'm, like, fat.

They call me Truly Needy,
And a sadder case you ain't seen.
My boyfriend's a retired biker,
And his brain cells ain't, you know, too keen.

My dad, sometimes he used to hit me,
Just so's I wouldn't turn bad.
He'd say it was 'cause he loved me,
But it made me just feel real sad.

My mom, she just never noticed—
Least she didn't let on that she did.
She would just blast on that Ripple
She kept in the cupboard, well hid.

When I tell folks my name's Truly Needy,
They look funny and say, "Howzat?"
But I know that I am truly needy,
And there ain't nothin’ funny 'bout that.

...Ray Sherman

Psychotherapists are quirky.
Some of them nibble beef-jerky
While you're telling them
You're not feeling so perky.

Some of them yawn
While you're saying,
“My lover has gone.”

In fact,
Some of them
Have more problems
Than you have.

In fact,
Some of them
Have problems
That few have.

How do you think
They got to be
Psychotherapists?

...Ray Sherman

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